the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
