i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
