She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I cut my penus on the lid.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just gargled with NyQuil
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
