were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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