Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
