i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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