Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
