god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
