Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
