He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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