sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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