??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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