All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
ttyl tear gas
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
