So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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