yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
