When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
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Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I came so hard my ears popped.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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