Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
