why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
