I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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