Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
