Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
