i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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