Will you blow on my dice?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
