Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
