I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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