BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
try to milk me bitch
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