It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
