just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
