I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
