What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
