I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize