On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
