i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
