he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
