I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
