You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
