he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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