i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
