I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
