he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
