I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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