call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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