I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
