PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
