If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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