fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
