I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
