Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
