4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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