if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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