Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
