GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
