Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
