My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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