she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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