do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
