Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
