when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
