My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
