I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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