They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
